911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
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Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.