Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
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ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Why is no one talking about this?!
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.