when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
You Might Also Like
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Customer is always right
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.