sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Just parrot things
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea