remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
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I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?