Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes