*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
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I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Put a ring on it
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
This is so me 😂😂
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me