I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.