They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
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This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere