A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Lol.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.