If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
You Might Also Like
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Me :
All Day At Night
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.