Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
You Might Also Like
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I’m confused about plants
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !