Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
You Might Also Like
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I don鈥檛 care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I鈥檝e forgiven myself. I鈥檓 not paying them
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that鈥檚 just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What鈥檚 updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT鈥橲 UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Every woman鈥檚 deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man鈥檚 deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
pilot: we鈥檙e approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here