When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
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A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.