JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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A new level of troll.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Go girl power!
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?