cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
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I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
rapatouille
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer