Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
your elf on the shelf was delicious
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..