Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
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PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Hot hot hot 🥵
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur