My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
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I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I already tried new things thanks.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap