Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
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Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.