Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
same energy
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.