I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome