I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.