“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
seems like a niche market
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I just tested negative for patience.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.