computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted