I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
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There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Cheers Twitter.