yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot