If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
You Might Also Like
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Well, this certainly took a turn
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Liquor Store Parking