I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane