Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
WHY?!
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*