Ape together strong
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James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I am having an out of money experience.