Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away