I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
You Might Also Like
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My Guy
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know