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Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]