I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
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Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”![]()
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Still laughing at this stupid meme
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My birth announcement for our third baby
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My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it