“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
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I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Me if I was a dog
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward