My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
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People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.