Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Perfect
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.