Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.