My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
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In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Oh my God.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: