“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I love the honesty
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I’m Sold!
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity