Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
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Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Saw online –
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor