Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
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Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.