Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
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Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.