Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]