Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.