Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Whisper out to librarians!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
shampoo implies shampee
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”