Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*