A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet