My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
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A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
こいつ天才
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.